1 00:00:06,677 --> 00:00:09,639 "MELISSA AND JOEY" IS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE. 2 00:00:09,640 --> 00:00:11,381 WHOA, LOOK AT YOU... 3 00:00:11,382 --> 00:00:13,543 MEL BURKE ON THE COMPUTER AT 6:45 AM. 4 00:00:13,544 --> 00:00:15,415 WHAT, IS THERE A BIG SHOE SALE IN EASTERN EUROPE? 5 00:00:15,416 --> 00:00:19,018 ( scoffs ) PLEASE, THERE ARE NO GOOD SHOES EAST OF ITALY. 6 00:00:19,019 --> 00:00:22,292 NO, YOU KNOW, I'M JUST RESEARCHING SOME ISSUES... 7 00:00:22,293 --> 00:00:24,624 SEEING WHERE THE OTHER CITY COUNCIL MEMBERS STAND. 8 00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:26,025 Joey: I'M GUESSING THEY STAND 9 00:00:26,026 --> 00:00:27,397 RIGHT NEXT TO MOMMY. WHAT IS THAT? 10 00:00:27,398 --> 00:00:30,100 I'M TAKING A FIVE MINUTE BREAK FROM WORK 11 00:00:30,101 --> 00:00:31,761 AND CHECKING OUT THIS APP THINGY. 12 00:00:31,762 --> 00:00:33,463 YOU KNOW IT TAKES A PICTURE OF TWO PEOPLE 13 00:00:33,464 --> 00:00:36,436 AND MERGES IT TOGETHER TO SHOW WHAT THEIR BABY WOULD LOOK LIKE. 14 00:00:36,437 --> 00:00:37,707 WHAT PEOPLE? 15 00:00:37,708 --> 00:00:40,540 ME AND AUSTIN. WHAT?! 16 00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,642 LOOK, I KNOW WE'VE ONLY BEEN DATING A SHORT TIME, 17 00:00:42,643 --> 00:00:43,773 BUT I'VE KNOWN HIM MY WHOLE LIFE. 18 00:00:43,774 --> 00:00:45,475 THIS COULD BE SOMETHING SERIOUS. 19 00:00:45,476 --> 00:00:46,646 HOW SERIOUS? 20 00:00:46,647 --> 00:00:48,619 LIKE... MALARIA? 21 00:00:50,351 --> 00:00:53,483 LIKE FUTURE SERIOUS, FAMILY SERIOUS. 22 00:00:53,484 --> 00:00:55,285 - BABY SERIOUS? - NO! 23 00:00:55,286 --> 00:00:56,756 WELL, YOU KNOW, NOT RIGHT THIS MINUTE. 24 00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:58,688 THIS IS JUST ME FOOLING AROUND. 25 00:00:58,689 --> 00:01:00,230 YEAH, BUT YOU AND AUSTIN HAVEN'T BEEN FOOLING AROUND. 26 00:01:00,231 --> 00:01:02,492 ISN'T IT KIND OF NECESSARY IF YOU WANT TO MAKE A... 27 00:01:02,493 --> 00:01:04,063 CUTE LITTLE APP LIKE THAT? 28 00:01:04,064 --> 00:01:06,766 YEAH, WELL, AUSTIN IS STILL RECUPERATING 29 00:01:06,767 --> 00:01:08,698 FROM THAT BLOW TO HIS MANHOOD. 30 00:01:08,699 --> 00:01:10,600 BLOW TO HIS MANHOOD... SOUNDS LIKE A GREAT LINE 31 00:01:10,601 --> 00:01:12,172 FROM A MEDIEVAL PORN. 32 00:01:12,173 --> 00:01:14,073 YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 33 00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:15,805 THAT WHACK TO HIS SACK YOU ADMINISTERED 34 00:01:15,806 --> 00:01:18,108 WITH YOUR POOL CUE. YEAH. 35 00:01:18,109 --> 00:01:20,610 PRETTY SOON, AUSTIN AND I WILL BE GETTING DOWN 36 00:01:20,611 --> 00:01:23,553 TO BUSINESS. 37 00:01:23,554 --> 00:01:25,115 LADIES WITH YOUR COY ROMANTIC TALK, 38 00:01:25,116 --> 00:01:26,586 YOU'RE MAKING ME BLUSH. 39 00:01:26,587 --> 00:01:28,588 BLUSH... 40 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,290 ISN'T THAT THE NAME OF YOUR LADY FRIEND? 41 00:01:30,291 --> 00:01:31,761 HER NAME IS CHARDONNAY. 42 00:01:31,762 --> 00:01:33,663 DOES SHE PAIR WELL WITH SOFT CHEESE? 43 00:01:33,664 --> 00:01:35,765 SHE PAIRS WELL WITH BRIE 44 00:01:35,766 --> 00:01:36,667 WHO'S ABOUT THE SAME HEIGHT. 45 00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,631 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 46 00:01:41,632 --> 00:01:43,473 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 47 00:01:43,474 --> 00:01:44,874 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 48 00:01:44,875 --> 00:01:46,676 ♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE ♪ 49 00:01:46,677 --> 00:01:48,538 - ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪ 50 00:01:48,539 --> 00:01:50,780 - ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪ 51 00:01:50,781 --> 00:01:52,212 - ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪ 52 00:01:52,213 --> 00:01:54,814 ♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪ 53 00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:57,818 ♪ WITH ME ♪ 54 00:02:00,451 --> 00:02:02,893 ( sighs ) 55 00:02:06,897 --> 00:02:08,629 UH, I'LL LET JOE DEAL WITH IT. 56 00:02:10,531 --> 00:02:11,801 GOING OUT WITH ZANDER. BACK LATER. 57 00:02:11,802 --> 00:02:13,763 OH HOLD ON, HONEY. HEY, HOW'S THAT 58 00:02:13,764 --> 00:02:15,205 COLLEGE APPLICATION ESSAY COMING ALONG? 59 00:02:15,206 --> 00:02:16,836 WOULD YOU GET OFF MY BACK? OKAY, YOU DON'T HAVE 60 00:02:16,837 --> 00:02:18,768 TO BREATHE DOWN MY NECK EVERY MINUTE. 61 00:02:18,769 --> 00:02:20,370 OKAY, I'M NOT BREATHING DOWN YOUR NECK. 62 00:02:20,371 --> 00:02:21,711 IT'S JUST A LIGHT LOVING PANT. 63 00:02:21,712 --> 00:02:22,912 ( pants ) 64 00:02:22,913 --> 00:02:25,445 YOU KNOW THE APPLICATIONS ARE DUE NEXT WEEK, SWEETIE. 65 00:02:25,446 --> 00:02:27,547 IT'S LIKE MY ENTIRE FUTURE 66 00:02:27,548 --> 00:02:29,679 IS COMING DOWN TO THIS ONE PIECE OF PAPER. 67 00:02:29,680 --> 00:02:31,721 YOU KNOW I'VE COME UP WITH A MILLION TOPICS, 68 00:02:31,722 --> 00:02:33,353 BUT I HATE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM. 69 00:02:33,354 --> 00:02:35,725 HOW ABOUT OVERCOMING ADVERSITY? 70 00:02:35,726 --> 00:02:37,657 YOU KNOW ADMISSIONS OFFICERS EAT THAT CRAP UP 71 00:02:37,658 --> 00:02:39,829 LIKE HUNGRY HIPPOS. 72 00:02:39,830 --> 00:02:42,232 OH GREAT, NOW I HATE A MILLION AND ONE TOPICS! 73 00:02:42,233 --> 00:02:43,533 YOU'RE NO HELP AT ALL! 74 00:02:43,534 --> 00:02:44,764 OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT. 75 00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,596 IT'S TIME FOR COOL AUNT MEL TO STEP ASIDE 76 00:02:46,597 --> 00:02:48,198 AND LET TOUGH AUNT MEL TAKE OVER. 77 00:02:48,199 --> 00:02:49,739 FROM NOW ON, I WILL BE BREATHING DOWN YOUR NECK 78 00:02:49,740 --> 00:02:51,801 LIKE THE BIG BAD WOLF. RAWR! 79 00:02:51,802 --> 00:02:54,173 - NOW GET UPSTAIRS AND WRITE! - BUT... 80 00:02:54,174 --> 00:02:55,306 RAWR! 81 00:02:58,949 --> 00:03:01,381 UH, CAN'T YOU DO THIS IN YOUR ROOM? 82 00:03:01,382 --> 00:03:02,812 OH, UM SORRY, MEL. 83 00:03:02,813 --> 00:03:04,415 CHARDONNAY JUST LIKES THIS CHAIR. 84 00:03:05,686 --> 00:03:07,518 I DO. 85 00:03:09,560 --> 00:03:12,262 CATCH ME IF YOU CAN. I'LL RUN SLOW. 86 00:03:12,263 --> 00:03:13,293 ( laughing ) 87 00:03:13,294 --> 00:03:15,695 WOW. SHE CAN TALK. 88 00:03:15,696 --> 00:03:16,966 I THOUGHT THE ONLY WORDS SHE KNEW 89 00:03:16,967 --> 00:03:19,230 WERE "OH," "GOD," AND "JOE." 90 00:03:20,271 --> 00:03:22,572 WELL, THOSE ARE HER FAVORITE WORDS. 91 00:03:22,573 --> 00:03:24,504 MUST BE FUN HAVING A RELATIONSHIP 92 00:03:24,505 --> 00:03:26,336 THAT'S ALL SEX AND NO CONVERSATION. 93 00:03:26,337 --> 00:03:27,437 WE TALK. 94 00:03:27,438 --> 00:03:28,838 YEAH? WHAT'S HER LAST NAME? 95 00:03:28,839 --> 00:03:30,511 IT'S... 96 00:03:32,843 --> 00:03:34,584 NOT IMPORTANT, ALL RIGHT. 97 00:03:34,585 --> 00:03:36,846 LOOK, WE JUST HAVEN'T GOTTEN TO THAT STAGE YET. 98 00:03:36,847 --> 00:03:39,549 OH, SO YOU'RE WORKING FROM THE INSIDE OUT. 99 00:03:39,550 --> 00:03:41,722 ( doorbell rings ) 100 00:03:44,855 --> 00:03:45,925 HELLO, YOU. 101 00:03:45,926 --> 00:03:46,996 HELLO, YOU. 102 00:03:46,997 --> 00:03:49,899 ( laughs ) HELLO, YOU. 103 00:03:49,900 --> 00:03:52,732 OH, CAREFUL, JOE. I'M NOT WEARING A CUP. 104 00:03:52,733 --> 00:03:53,803 AUSTIN, IF I'VE SAID IT ONCE, 105 00:03:53,804 --> 00:03:55,535 I'VE SAID IT A THOUSAND TIMES... I'M SORRY. 106 00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:56,736 ALL RIGHT? NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, 107 00:03:56,737 --> 00:03:57,807 I GOT A HOT CHARDONNAY WAITING FOR ME 108 00:03:57,808 --> 00:04:00,871 UP IN MY ROOM AND I'M ABOUT TO GET HAMMERED. 109 00:04:02,373 --> 00:04:03,743 GREAT NEWS. 110 00:04:03,744 --> 00:04:05,615 MY UROLOGIST JUST GAVE ME THE THUMBS UP. 111 00:04:05,616 --> 00:04:06,946 ( winces ) OUCH. 112 00:04:06,947 --> 00:04:09,319 NO, A CLEAN BILL OF HEALTH. 113 00:04:09,320 --> 00:04:11,381 OH, THAT'S WONDERFUL. 114 00:04:11,382 --> 00:04:12,882 SO WE CAN USE THAT HOTEL GIFT CERTIFICATE 115 00:04:12,883 --> 00:04:14,624 - THAT JOE GAVE US. - MM-HMM. AND... 116 00:04:14,625 --> 00:04:16,956 HERE'S A LIST OF THINGS THE DOCTOR SAYS IT'S OKAY 117 00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:18,358 FOR US TO DO. 118 00:04:18,359 --> 00:04:20,931 AND I WROTE IN A COUPLE OF MY OWN. 119 00:04:21,932 --> 00:04:24,364 OKAY. ALL RIGHT. 120 00:04:24,365 --> 00:04:25,765 CAN DO... WHOA! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? 121 00:04:25,766 --> 00:04:26,697 YOUR BIRTHDAY? 122 00:04:28,439 --> 00:04:30,269 - OKAY, QUID PRO QUO. - MM-HMM. 123 00:04:30,270 --> 00:04:32,002 HERE IS MY COUNTER OFFER. 124 00:04:34,745 --> 00:04:36,876 ( clears throat ) 125 00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:38,808 ABSOLUTELY. 126 00:04:38,809 --> 00:04:40,480 - IT WOULD BE MY PLEASURE. - WELL, TECHNICALLY, IT WOULD BE MINE, 127 00:04:40,481 --> 00:04:41,812 BUT I LIKE YOUR CAN-DO ATTITUDE. 128 00:04:44,685 --> 00:04:47,557 - JOE. ( laughs ) - ( laughs ) 129 00:04:47,558 --> 00:04:49,058 YOU'RE SO CUTE. 130 00:04:49,059 --> 00:04:50,990 I COULD EAT YOU UP. 131 00:04:50,991 --> 00:04:52,992 ( laughs ) YEAH, DON'T... DON'T... DON'T... 132 00:04:52,993 --> 00:04:54,794 DON'T FILL UP ON BREAD, NOW. 133 00:04:54,795 --> 00:04:56,866 LET'S SAVE ROOM FOR THE MAIN COURSE, OKAY? 134 00:04:56,867 --> 00:04:58,768 YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, MAYBE WE COULD JUST 135 00:04:58,769 --> 00:05:00,770 SLOW THINGS DOWN A LITTLE BIT, ALL RIGHT. 136 00:05:00,771 --> 00:05:01,871 YOU KNOW, SAVOR THE MOMENT. 137 00:05:01,872 --> 00:05:03,503 MAYBE THROW IN A LITTLE CONVERSATION. 138 00:05:03,504 --> 00:05:04,934 OKAY. 139 00:05:04,935 --> 00:05:07,437 ( whispers ) 140 00:05:07,438 --> 00:05:10,740 THOSE ARE... THOSE ARE WONDERFUL THOUGHTS. 141 00:05:10,741 --> 00:05:12,081 NO, BUT I JUST REALLY WANT 142 00:05:12,082 --> 00:05:13,843 TO GET TO KNOW MORE ABOUT YOU, ALL RIGHT? 143 00:05:13,844 --> 00:05:15,945 SO TELL ME SOMETHING PERSONAL. 144 00:05:15,946 --> 00:05:17,518 OKAY. 145 00:05:19,790 --> 00:05:20,891 THESE ARE REAL. 146 00:05:24,024 --> 00:05:25,696 SEE, NOW WE'RE GETTING TO KNOW EACH OTHER. 147 00:05:32,833 --> 00:05:34,764 CRAP, CRAP, CRAP, CRAP, CRAP! 148 00:05:34,765 --> 00:05:36,706 SO YOU FINALLY CAME UP WITH THAT OPENING LINE 149 00:05:36,707 --> 00:05:37,967 FOR YOUR ESSAY, HUH? 150 00:05:37,968 --> 00:05:40,540 I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING GOOD. 151 00:05:40,541 --> 00:05:42,742 YOU WANT ME TO MAKE YOU SOME COFFEE? WOULD THAT HELP? 152 00:05:42,743 --> 00:05:45,044 ONLY IF IT'S COFFEE THAT THREATENS 153 00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:47,447 TO BREAK MY KNEECAPS IF I DON'T WORK. 154 00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:49,749 ( gasps ) THAT'S IT. 155 00:05:49,750 --> 00:05:51,451 YOU CAN BREAK MY KNEECAPS. 156 00:05:51,452 --> 00:05:53,623 WHOA, LENNOX, WHOA. 157 00:05:53,624 --> 00:05:56,025 METAPHORICALLY... YOU JUST STAND RIGHT HERE 158 00:05:56,026 --> 00:05:57,457 AND DON'T LET ME LEAVE THE ROOM 159 00:05:57,458 --> 00:05:58,828 UNTIL I'VE FINISHED A DRAFT. 160 00:05:58,829 --> 00:06:00,990 UH, AND WHY WOULD I DO THAT FOR YOU? 161 00:06:00,991 --> 00:06:02,762 LET'S SEE, YOU'RE NOT IN SCHOOL 162 00:06:02,763 --> 00:06:04,864 AND YOU'VE GOT NOTHING GOING ON IN YOUR LIFE. 163 00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:06,596 FOR YOUR INFORMATION, I PLAY CALL OF DUTY 164 00:06:06,597 --> 00:06:07,638 SIX HOURS A DAY. 165 00:06:08,999 --> 00:06:11,801 YOU GET TO YELL AT ME TO SIT MY ASS DOWN AND WRITE. 166 00:06:11,802 --> 00:06:13,443 ALL RIGHT, BLONDIE. ENOUGH WITH THE CHITCHAT. 167 00:06:13,444 --> 00:06:14,745 GET WITH THE TAPPY TAPPY. COME ON. 168 00:06:21,582 --> 00:06:22,812 I THINK WE LEFT OUR LUGGAGE IN THE HALLWAY. 169 00:06:22,813 --> 00:06:24,053 UH, WELL, I PACKED EVERYTHING I NEED 170 00:06:24,054 --> 00:06:25,715 IN THIS BRA. 171 00:06:25,716 --> 00:06:27,617 I CAN'T BELIEVE WE'RE FINALLY DOING THIS. 172 00:06:27,618 --> 00:06:28,888 - I KNOW. - ( giggles ) 173 00:06:28,889 --> 00:06:30,760 AFTER ALL THIS... ( kisses ) WAITING... ( kisses ) 174 00:06:30,761 --> 00:06:31,791 AND ANTICIPATION. 175 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,423 YEAH, IT'S LIKE CHRISTMAS... 176 00:06:33,424 --> 00:06:34,825 HOT, SEXY CHRISTMAS. 177 00:06:36,096 --> 00:06:39,068 I AM READY TO UNWRAP MY GIFT. 178 00:06:39,069 --> 00:06:41,731 ME TOO 'CAUSE I HAVE BEEN A GOOD GIRL THIS YEAR. 179 00:06:41,732 --> 00:06:43,633 SO WHAT ARE WE USING? 180 00:06:43,634 --> 00:06:45,835 WELL, I THOUGHT WE'D START WITH THE TRADITIONAL 181 00:06:45,836 --> 00:06:46,777 GOD-GIVEN EQUIPMENT. 182 00:06:46,778 --> 00:06:48,778 ( giggles ) NO. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN. 183 00:06:48,779 --> 00:06:49,879 BIRTH CONTROL. 184 00:06:49,880 --> 00:06:51,741 WE DON'T HAVE TO USE ANYTHING. 185 00:06:51,742 --> 00:06:53,713 ( giggles ) YES, WE DO. 186 00:06:53,714 --> 00:06:55,445 AH, NO, WE DON'T. 187 00:06:55,446 --> 00:06:56,816 YES, WE DO. 188 00:06:56,817 --> 00:06:58,489 NO, WE DON'T. 189 00:06:59,590 --> 00:07:01,050 I HAD A VASECTOMY. 190 00:07:01,051 --> 00:07:02,792 OH. 191 00:07:02,793 --> 00:07:05,555 DID YOU NOW? 192 00:07:05,556 --> 00:07:07,957 WELL, HOT, SEXY CHRISTMAS IS JUST FULL OF SURPRISES, 193 00:07:07,958 --> 00:07:09,129 ISN'T IT? 194 00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:17,668 WOW, SO YOU HAD A VASECTOMY, HUH? 195 00:07:19,510 --> 00:07:21,511 I'VE KNOWN YOU MY WHOLE LIFE 196 00:07:21,512 --> 00:07:22,812 AND I DIDN'T KNOW THAT. 197 00:07:22,813 --> 00:07:26,115 SO YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT GONNA GET ME PREGNANT TONIGHT... 198 00:07:26,116 --> 00:07:27,917 OR EVER. 199 00:07:27,918 --> 00:07:29,148 THAT'S RIGHT, BABY. 200 00:07:29,149 --> 00:07:31,921 HMM, BABY, BABY, BABY. 201 00:07:31,922 --> 00:07:32,922 YOU KNOW WHAT? CAN YOU PLEASE 202 00:07:32,923 --> 00:07:35,154 JUST NOT USE THAT WORD? 203 00:07:35,155 --> 00:07:36,726 OH, MAMA! 204 00:07:36,727 --> 00:07:39,228 YEAH, THAT'S NOT ANY BETTER. 205 00:07:39,229 --> 00:07:40,960 WHAT'S WRONG? 206 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:43,032 I... 207 00:07:43,033 --> 00:07:46,567 I... I THINK I HAD SOME BAD SHRIMP AT DINNER. 208 00:07:48,669 --> 00:07:50,470 YEAH. 209 00:07:53,143 --> 00:07:55,004 HEY. 210 00:07:55,005 --> 00:07:56,506 ( annoyed sigh ) 211 00:07:56,507 --> 00:07:57,877 AND GOOD MORNING TO YOU. 212 00:07:57,878 --> 00:08:00,580 WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? 213 00:08:00,581 --> 00:08:01,911 OH, THAT'S A BRIBE FROM THE BUCHWALDS. 214 00:08:01,912 --> 00:08:03,082 YEAH, THEY'RE STILL TRYING TO WOO ME OVER THERE 215 00:08:03,083 --> 00:08:04,754 TO BE THEIR FULL-TIME NANNY. ( chuckles ) 216 00:08:04,755 --> 00:08:07,657 "WE LONG FOR YOU, JOE LONGO." 217 00:08:07,658 --> 00:08:09,519 ( laughs ) ISN'T THAT FUNNY? 218 00:08:09,520 --> 00:08:11,861 ( scoffs ) "FROM THE BUCHWALD FAMILY, 219 00:08:11,862 --> 00:08:13,923 ZEV, SIENNA, LIAM, ALEXA, TESSA, AND TUCKER." 220 00:08:13,924 --> 00:08:15,725 OH LOOK AT US. 221 00:08:15,726 --> 00:08:18,497 WE'RE ONE HUGE HAPPY FAMILY. ( mocking laugh ) 222 00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,169 SHOW-OFFS. 223 00:08:20,170 --> 00:08:22,972 TAKE YOUR MUFFIN BASKET AND SHOVE IT, BUCHWALDS. 224 00:08:22,973 --> 00:08:25,935 OH, I SEE THAT NIGHT AT THE SPA DID WONDERS FOR YOUR MOOD. 225 00:08:25,936 --> 00:08:29,840 AUSTIN HAD A VASECTOMY. 226 00:08:31,141 --> 00:08:32,583 THEY DO THAT THERE? 227 00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:39,849 I MEAN, I KNOW THEY DO THE WHOLE SEAWEED WRAP THING. 228 00:08:39,850 --> 00:08:42,952 I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE IT WAS SO TIGHT. 229 00:08:42,953 --> 00:08:45,024 NOT LAST NIGHT. 230 00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:47,226 WHEN HE WAS 25, HE DECIDED HE NEVER WANTED TO HAVE KIDS. 231 00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,028 WOW. 232 00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,860 I'M SORRY, BURKE. JEEZ, THAT SUCKS. 233 00:08:50,861 --> 00:08:52,832 MAN, THE BIGGEST DECISION I MADE AT 25 234 00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:54,664 WAS TO GROW A GOATEE. ( chuckles ) 235 00:08:54,665 --> 00:08:56,666 IT WAS AWESOME BY THE WAY. 236 00:08:56,667 --> 00:08:57,907 YOU KNOW WHAT, JOE? 237 00:08:57,908 --> 00:08:58,908 YOU JUST MADE A VERY GOOD POINT. 238 00:08:58,909 --> 00:09:01,010 YOU DON'T HAVE THAT GOATEE NOW. 239 00:09:01,011 --> 00:09:02,311 YOU ARE A DIFFERENT PERSON IN YOUR 30s 240 00:09:02,312 --> 00:09:03,573 THAN YOU WERE IN YOUR 20s. 241 00:09:03,574 --> 00:09:05,014 YOU'VE CHANGED. 242 00:09:05,015 --> 00:09:07,316 YOU KNOW, MAYBE AUSTIN COULD CHANGE TOO. 243 00:09:07,317 --> 00:09:08,748 NO, NO, NO, MEL, MEL. 244 00:09:08,749 --> 00:09:11,751 WHAT AUSTIN SHAVED OFF, NO MAN CAN GROW THAT BACK. 245 00:09:11,752 --> 00:09:14,553 OR CAN HE? 246 00:09:14,554 --> 00:09:16,956 NO, NO, NO, MEL. HE REALLY CAN'T. 247 00:09:16,957 --> 00:09:18,088 IT'S... 248 00:09:18,989 --> 00:09:20,990 - LET ME OUT. - WHERE'S THE ESSAY? 249 00:09:20,991 --> 00:09:22,131 JUST MOVE. 250 00:09:22,132 --> 00:09:23,663 NOPE. 251 00:09:23,664 --> 00:09:25,194 MY JOB IS TO KEEP YOU HERE WRITING. 252 00:09:25,195 --> 00:09:26,565 THAT'S WHAT MY BOSS SAYS. 253 00:09:26,566 --> 00:09:30,099 BETWEEN YOU AND ME, SHE IS A TOTAL B... BIG 254 00:09:30,100 --> 00:09:32,602 SISTER. 255 00:09:32,603 --> 00:09:34,073 I NEED TO GO, OKAY? 256 00:09:34,074 --> 00:09:35,875 I GOT AN EMERGENCY TEXT. 257 00:09:35,876 --> 00:09:37,146 WHAT KIND OF EMERGENCY? 258 00:09:37,147 --> 00:09:39,178 ZANDER NEEDS A KISS. 259 00:09:39,179 --> 00:09:42,281 HE LOOKS SO SAD AND LONELY. 260 00:09:42,282 --> 00:09:45,014 OH, LET ME SEE. 261 00:09:45,015 --> 00:09:46,285 - YUP. - HEY! NO... 262 00:09:46,286 --> 00:09:48,058 NO BOYFRIEND FOR YOU. 263 00:09:51,061 --> 00:09:53,092 MAN, I'M TELLING YOU. 264 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:55,024 THAT CHARDONNAY IS LIKE A BUNDLE OF ENERGY. 265 00:09:55,025 --> 00:09:58,067 I AM LOSING SOME SERIOUS ELECTROLYTES UP THERE. 266 00:09:58,068 --> 00:09:59,669 I'M TELLING YOU, MEL. 267 00:09:59,670 --> 00:10:02,101 SHE'S LIKE A BOWFLEX WITH BOOBS. 268 00:10:02,102 --> 00:10:05,174 HEY, JOE. GREAT NEWS. 269 00:10:05,175 --> 00:10:06,836 AUSTIN AND I CAN STILL HAVE A FAMILY. 270 00:10:06,837 --> 00:10:09,038 IT'S INCREDIBLY SIMPLE TO WORK AROUND A VASECTOMY. 271 00:10:09,039 --> 00:10:10,780 OH GOODIE, LET'S TALK A LITTLE MORE ABOUT 272 00:10:10,781 --> 00:10:12,882 ANOTHER GUY'S JUNK. 273 00:10:12,883 --> 00:10:14,143 YOU CAN REVERSE IT SURGICALLY. 274 00:10:14,144 --> 00:10:16,245 SNIP, UNTIE... THE BOYS ARE BACK... 275 00:10:16,246 --> 00:10:18,187 OR USE A LONG, THIN NEEDLE 276 00:10:18,188 --> 00:10:20,219 TO REMOVE SEMEN DIRECTLY FROM THE TESTICLES. 277 00:10:20,220 --> 00:10:21,751 SEE? 278 00:10:21,752 --> 00:10:23,322 WISH I HADN'T. ( clears throat ) 279 00:10:23,323 --> 00:10:25,224 LOOK, I'M GONNA GO NOW. 280 00:10:25,225 --> 00:10:28,097 ALL RIGHT? BUT GOOD LUCK SELLING AUSTIN ON THE WHOLE 281 00:10:28,098 --> 00:10:31,732 NEEDLE-IN-THE-SUGAR-PLUMS IDEA. 282 00:10:34,364 --> 00:10:35,705 AUNT MEL, 283 00:10:35,706 --> 00:10:37,306 COMPLETED ESSAY... TAKE A LOOK. 284 00:10:37,307 --> 00:10:39,709 OH GOOD FOR YOU, LEN. YOU BUCKLED DOWN 285 00:10:39,710 --> 00:10:41,040 AND DID WHAT YOU HAD TO DO. 286 00:10:41,041 --> 00:10:42,041 OKAY, WHAT IS THIS? 287 00:10:42,042 --> 00:10:44,073 "AS WE GROW, WE CHANGE." 288 00:10:44,074 --> 00:10:45,715 "LIFE IS LIKE A ROLLERCOASTER." 289 00:10:45,716 --> 00:10:47,046 WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT IT? 290 00:10:47,047 --> 00:10:49,018 ARE YOU PLANNING TO MAJOR IN CLICHES? 291 00:10:49,019 --> 00:10:51,180 YOU GOT TO START THE ESSAY WITH A GRABBER. 292 00:10:51,181 --> 00:10:52,852 YOUR MOM'S IN PRISON. 293 00:10:52,853 --> 00:10:54,223 DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE? 294 00:10:54,224 --> 00:10:56,255 I MEAN, HOW MANY HIGH SCHOOL SENIORS 295 00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:58,057 WOULD KILL FOR A PERSONAL STORY LIKE THAT? 296 00:10:58,058 --> 00:10:59,729 MY MOM GOING TO JAIL 297 00:10:59,730 --> 00:11:01,130 IS THE WORST THING THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME. 298 00:11:01,131 --> 00:11:03,933 NO, THAT WOULD BE TOTALLY EMBARRASSING TO WRITE ABOUT. 299 00:11:03,934 --> 00:11:06,395 THIS IS A PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ESSAY. 300 00:11:06,396 --> 00:11:09,098 IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? TO DO AN ACCEPTABLE JOB? 301 00:11:09,099 --> 00:11:10,840 SOMETHING MERELY SUFFICIENT 302 00:11:10,841 --> 00:11:12,141 OR DO YOU WANT TO GO OUT IN THE WORLD 303 00:11:12,142 --> 00:11:15,044 AND INFUSE PEOPLE'S SKULLS WITH YOUR INTELLECTUAL T.N.T. 304 00:11:15,045 --> 00:11:19,048 AND BLOW THEIR MINDS? 305 00:11:19,049 --> 00:11:22,082 YEAH, WELL... 306 00:11:23,253 --> 00:11:24,985 ( frustrated scream ) 307 00:11:26,086 --> 00:11:28,157 WHOO. THAT WAS A CLOSE ONE. 308 00:11:28,158 --> 00:11:29,920 I WAS ABOUT TO CAVE. 309 00:11:32,022 --> 00:11:34,393 YEAH, AND IT TURNS OUT THE REVERSALS ARE SUCCESSFUL 310 00:11:34,394 --> 00:11:36,225 LIKE 85% OF THE TIME. 311 00:11:36,226 --> 00:11:38,097 AND YOU JUST HAPPENED TO HEAR THIS... 312 00:11:38,098 --> 00:11:39,999 ON JEOPARDY. 313 00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:41,901 WEIRD, RIGHT? 314 00:11:41,902 --> 00:11:43,032 YEAH AND OF COURSE I THOUGHT OF YOU 315 00:11:43,033 --> 00:11:44,333 AND YOUR THINGS 316 00:11:44,334 --> 00:11:47,076 AND, YOU KNOW, WHAT HAPPENED TO THEM. 317 00:11:47,077 --> 00:11:49,108 MEL, NOTHING "HAPPENED" TO THEM. 318 00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:51,240 OKAY? I WASN'T HIT BY A VASECTOMY TRUCK. 319 00:11:51,241 --> 00:11:53,783 IT WAS A DECISION. 320 00:11:53,784 --> 00:11:55,985 THAT YOU MADE WHEN YOU WERE 25. 321 00:11:55,986 --> 00:11:58,217 I'M NOT THE SAME PERSON I WAS AT 25, ARE YOU? 322 00:11:58,218 --> 00:12:00,119 OF COURSE NOT. 323 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,751 I STILL DON'T WANT KIDS. 324 00:12:01,752 --> 00:12:03,993 I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T INTERESTED IN HAVING THEM EITHER. 325 00:12:03,994 --> 00:12:05,324 WHAT GAVE YOU THAT IDEA? 326 00:12:05,325 --> 00:12:07,957 BECAUSE YOU ALREADY HAVE LENNOX AND RYDER. 327 00:12:07,958 --> 00:12:09,398 I'M NOT THEIR MOM. 328 00:12:09,399 --> 00:12:11,861 I AM FAR, FAR TOO YOUNG TO BE THEIR MOM. 329 00:12:11,862 --> 00:12:13,763 FAR. 330 00:12:13,764 --> 00:12:16,235 BUT YOU ARE RAISING THEM. THEY'RE YOUR KIDS. 331 00:12:16,236 --> 00:12:19,038 YOU'VE ALREADY DONE THE PARENTING THING. 332 00:12:19,039 --> 00:12:20,469 YEAH, BUT YOU HAVEN'T. 333 00:12:20,470 --> 00:12:22,311 DO YOU REALLY WANT TO MISS OUT ON ALL THAT? 334 00:12:22,312 --> 00:12:28,017 MEL, I AM SO HAPPY WITH WHAT WE HAVE RIGHT NOW. 335 00:12:28,018 --> 00:12:29,278 IF WE WANT TO SEE THE EIFFEL TOWER, 336 00:12:29,279 --> 00:12:31,520 WE CAN GET ON A PLANE ANY TIME WE LIKE. 337 00:12:31,521 --> 00:12:34,323 WE HAVE THE FREEDOM TO COMPLETELY SPOIL EACH OTHER. 338 00:12:34,324 --> 00:12:36,155 YOU'RE ENOUGH FOR ME. 339 00:12:36,156 --> 00:12:39,028 THAT'S WHAT YOU GET WITH THE AUSTIN PLAN. 340 00:12:39,029 --> 00:12:42,932 I LIKE THAT PLAN. 341 00:12:42,933 --> 00:12:44,264 I WANT TO GET ON THAT PLAN. 342 00:12:50,200 --> 00:12:51,200 Chardonnay: COME ON. 343 00:12:51,201 --> 00:12:53,202 AT LEAST TAKE OFF YOUR SHIRT. 344 00:12:53,203 --> 00:12:55,544 NAH, NAH, I'VE REALLY TAKEN IT OFF SO MANY TIMES. 345 00:12:55,545 --> 00:12:57,276 I DON'T WANT TO... NO, I... WHOA, WHOA! 346 00:12:57,277 --> 00:12:58,547 HEY, WH... NO, NO, NO. 347 00:12:58,548 --> 00:13:00,009 NO, YOU CAN'T HAVE ANY MORE 348 00:13:00,010 --> 00:13:02,812 OF THIS SMOOTH JOEY GOODNESS... ( chuckles ) 349 00:13:02,813 --> 00:13:04,113 UNTIL YOU ANSWER SOME OF MY QUESTIONS. 350 00:13:04,114 --> 00:13:05,454 LIKE WHAT? 351 00:13:05,455 --> 00:13:06,856 WHY DON'T YOU TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF? 352 00:13:06,857 --> 00:13:10,119 PLEASE, YOU KNOW, TALK ABOUT YOUR HOPES AND YOUR DREAMS. 353 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:12,521 WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE GOING TO STOP TALKING SOON 354 00:13:12,522 --> 00:13:14,093 AND I DREAM THAT I'M GOING TO SEE 355 00:13:14,094 --> 00:13:16,325 YOU NAKED AGAIN BEFORE I DIE. 356 00:13:16,326 --> 00:13:17,897 SEE? NOW THERE'S ANOTHER GOOD TOPIC... 357 00:13:17,898 --> 00:13:19,298 THE AFTERLIFE. 358 00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:22,502 DO YOU BELIEVE THAT OUR SOULS LIVE ON? 359 00:13:24,134 --> 00:13:27,036 YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IT, AREN'T YOU? 360 00:13:27,037 --> 00:13:28,939 THAT'S GOOD. 361 00:13:31,141 --> 00:13:33,012 "AND SO AS I WATCHED THE PRISON DOORS SLAM SHUT 362 00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:34,443 BETWEEN MY MOTHER AND ME, 363 00:13:34,444 --> 00:13:36,315 I REALIZED ANOTHER DOOR HAD OPENED... 364 00:13:36,316 --> 00:13:38,017 THE DOOR TO MY AUNT MEL'S HOME. 365 00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:40,049 DOES SHE GET ON MY CASE? YES. 366 00:13:40,050 --> 00:13:42,351 DOES SHE BREATH DOWN MY NECK? ABSOLUTELY, 367 00:13:42,352 --> 00:13:44,353 BECAUSE SHE CARES ABOUT ME. 368 00:13:44,354 --> 00:13:46,025 AND THAT'S HOW I CAME TO REALIZE 369 00:13:46,026 --> 00:13:47,857 THAT THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME, 370 00:13:47,858 --> 00:13:49,829 TURNED OUT TO BE THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME." 371 00:13:51,531 --> 00:13:53,132 SO? 372 00:13:53,133 --> 00:13:54,833 WHAT'D YOU THINK? 373 00:13:54,834 --> 00:13:56,835 WELL, I'M NOT SURE YOU WANT TO USE 374 00:13:56,836 --> 00:13:58,868 THE PASSIVE VOICE IN THE FIRST PARAGRAPH, 375 00:13:58,869 --> 00:14:00,609 BUT OVERALL I'D SAY, YOU KNOW, PRETTY GOOD. 376 00:14:00,610 --> 00:14:02,512 YEAH, DECENT. 377 00:14:04,544 --> 00:14:06,846 OH, IT'S THE BEST ESSAY EVER. 378 00:14:07,847 --> 00:14:10,249 THANKS, AUNT MEL. 379 00:14:10,250 --> 00:14:11,550 YOU KNOW, YOU CRACKING THE WHIP 380 00:14:11,551 --> 00:14:15,224 REALLY FORCED ME TO GO DEEP AND DIG INTO MY SOUL. 381 00:14:15,225 --> 00:14:18,587 AND RYDER MADE ME PEE IN A SOUP CAN. 382 00:14:18,588 --> 00:14:20,389 UM, 383 00:14:20,390 --> 00:14:21,931 CAN I HOLD ONTO THIS? 384 00:14:21,932 --> 00:14:24,593 I JUST WANT TO, UH, PROOFREAD IT AGAIN. 385 00:14:24,594 --> 00:14:26,396 GOTCHA. 386 00:14:30,901 --> 00:14:33,543 AWW, SHE CALLED ME FLINTY AND PULCHRITUDINOUS. 387 00:14:35,305 --> 00:14:36,645 Joey: WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE. 388 00:14:36,646 --> 00:14:39,078 I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT YOUR MAJOR WAS IN COLLEGE? 389 00:14:39,079 --> 00:14:42,551 OH, WHAT IS THIS?! THE SPANISH PREPOSITION?! 390 00:14:42,552 --> 00:14:46,015 OKAY, SO I'M GUESSING IT WASN'T HISTORY. 391 00:14:46,016 --> 00:14:47,656 PROBABLY NOT ENGLISH EITHER. 392 00:14:47,657 --> 00:14:50,059 WHAT IS IT WITH YOU GUYS IN YOUR 30s? 393 00:14:50,060 --> 00:14:51,590 "LET'S DEFINE THE RELATIONSHIP. 394 00:14:51,591 --> 00:14:53,522 WHERE'S THIS GOING?" YOU KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING? 395 00:14:53,523 --> 00:14:54,563 RIGHT OUT THE DOOR. 396 00:14:54,564 --> 00:14:56,466 WAIT, WAIT, CHARDONNAY. 397 00:14:58,268 --> 00:15:00,399 ( sniffs ) 398 00:15:00,400 --> 00:15:02,002 DON'T BE SAD. SHE'LL BE BACK. 399 00:15:03,473 --> 00:15:04,903 I'M NOT SAD. 400 00:15:04,904 --> 00:15:07,906 IN FACT, I AM VERY, VERY HAPPY. 401 00:15:07,907 --> 00:15:10,579 SOMEBODY NEEDS TO TELL YOUR FACE. 402 00:15:10,580 --> 00:15:14,643 I JUST REALIZED I AM A MOM. 403 00:15:14,644 --> 00:15:17,616 IT'S OKAY THAT AUSTIN DOESN'T WANT KIDS, 404 00:15:17,617 --> 00:15:18,917 'CAUSE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, 405 00:15:18,918 --> 00:15:21,650 I'VE ALREADY GOT LENNOX AND RYDER. 406 00:15:21,651 --> 00:15:23,652 YEAH? 407 00:15:23,653 --> 00:15:26,425 YOU'D BE OKAY WITH NEVER HAVING KIDS OF YOUR OWN? 408 00:15:26,426 --> 00:15:30,159 YOU KNOW MAYBE WHAT'S A DEAL BREAKER IN YOUR 20s 409 00:15:30,160 --> 00:15:32,701 ISN'T A DEAL BREAKER IN YOUR 30S. 410 00:15:32,702 --> 00:15:34,663 MAYBE THAT'S GROWING UP. 411 00:15:34,664 --> 00:15:35,605 BURKE, I'M GONNA TELL YOU SOMETHING 412 00:15:35,606 --> 00:15:37,337 AND I MEAN EVERY WORD OF IT. 413 00:15:39,469 --> 00:15:41,470 YOU GOT TO GET WHAT YOU WANT OUT OF LIFE. 414 00:15:41,471 --> 00:15:43,212 AND YOU SHOULD NEVER COMPROMISE, 415 00:15:43,213 --> 00:15:45,144 NOT ON THE BIG THINGS. 416 00:15:45,145 --> 00:15:47,616 I'M NOT COMPROMISING. 417 00:15:47,617 --> 00:15:52,381 YOU KNOW, I'M AN AWESOME AUNT/MOM 418 00:15:52,382 --> 00:15:57,656 WHO HAPPENS TO BE VERY FLINTY AND PULCHRITUDINOUS. 419 00:15:57,657 --> 00:15:59,528 IF I PARTIED LESS IN COLLEGE, 420 00:15:59,529 --> 00:16:01,191 I MIGHT REMEMBER WHAT THOSE WORDS MEAN. 421 00:16:05,535 --> 00:16:07,666 HEY, YOU, GET YOUR ESSAY-WRITING BUTT UPSTAIRS. 422 00:16:07,667 --> 00:16:09,238 I FINISHED MY ESSAY. 423 00:16:09,239 --> 00:16:10,439 YOU'RE FIRED. 424 00:16:10,440 --> 00:16:12,741 BUT I LOVE MY JOB. 425 00:16:12,742 --> 00:16:15,044 YELLING AT YOU IS SO FULFILLING. 426 00:16:15,045 --> 00:16:18,007 WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M SURE AT THE END OF THE SEMESTER, 427 00:16:18,008 --> 00:16:19,448 I WILL HAVE A HUGE PAPER DUE 428 00:16:19,449 --> 00:16:22,051 AND YOU WILL BE THE FIRST PERSON I CALL TO HARASS ME. 429 00:16:22,052 --> 00:16:24,583 LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. 430 00:16:24,584 --> 00:16:26,256 - HEY, YOU KNOW IT WAS GREAT WORKING WITH YOU. - YEAH. 431 00:16:28,418 --> 00:16:30,419 YEAH, I'M ALL PACKED AND READY TO GO. 432 00:16:30,420 --> 00:16:31,560 I'LL SEE YOU SOON. 433 00:16:31,561 --> 00:16:33,622 ( kissing ) 434 00:16:33,623 --> 00:16:36,225 PHONE KISSING AT YOUR AGE? 435 00:16:36,226 --> 00:16:38,427 YOU SOUND RIDICULOUS. 436 00:16:38,428 --> 00:16:40,429 YEAH, WELL, PEOPLE IN LOVE GET TO BE RIDICULOUS. 437 00:16:40,430 --> 00:16:41,470 THAT'S ONE OF THE PERKS. 438 00:16:41,471 --> 00:16:44,473 AUSTIN FOUND THE CUTEST BED AND BREAKFAST. 439 00:16:44,474 --> 00:16:47,106 OH, I FEEL LIKE I'M IN AN OLD-FASHIONED ROMANCE MOVIE. 440 00:16:47,107 --> 00:16:48,738 THAT'S WHY I'M WEARING MY DORIS DAY DRESS. 441 00:16:50,110 --> 00:16:51,380 WHAT'S DORIS DAY? 442 00:16:51,381 --> 00:16:53,213 OH, IS THAT A FAKE HOLIDAY LIKE ARBOR DAY? 443 00:16:55,515 --> 00:16:57,546 - HELLO, LADIES. - Lennox: HEY. 444 00:16:57,547 --> 00:16:59,518 MAN, THAT BABY IS FAT. 445 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,649 YOU KNOW, HONESTLY, I JUST DON'T SEE 446 00:17:00,650 --> 00:17:03,252 THE APPEAL OF THOSE THINGS. 447 00:17:03,253 --> 00:17:05,694 GOOD. DON'T THINK ABOUT HAVING ONE FOR AT LEAST 10 YEARS. 448 00:17:05,695 --> 00:17:07,756 BUCHWALDS' SITTER QUIT ON THEM AGAIN. 449 00:17:07,757 --> 00:17:09,098 SO I TOLD THEM THAT I'D WATCH 450 00:17:09,099 --> 00:17:10,699 BABY TUCKER HERE FOR A COUPLE HOURS. 451 00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:12,061 - HE'S... - ( baby cries ) 452 00:17:12,062 --> 00:17:13,332 I DON'T KNOW WHY HE KEEPS DOING THAT THING. 453 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:16,505 NOW HE'S RED AND BUBBLING AT THE MOUTH. 454 00:17:16,506 --> 00:17:18,807 OH, MAKE HIM STOP. IT'S TORTURE. 455 00:17:18,808 --> 00:17:21,170 - ( cries continue ) - OH, HERE WE GO, PAL. 456 00:17:21,171 --> 00:17:22,711 HERE, YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO DO ANYTHING. 457 00:17:22,712 --> 00:17:23,573 - GIVE HIM. - I DO KNOW HOW TO DO IT. 458 00:17:23,574 --> 00:17:24,813 - GIVE ME HIM. - ALL RIGHT, FINE. 459 00:17:24,814 --> 00:17:27,316 - BE MY GUEST. GO AHEAD. - HEY, IT'S OKAY. 460 00:17:27,317 --> 00:17:29,678 DID THE MEAN, OLD, MUSCLEY MAN SCARE YOU? 461 00:17:29,679 --> 00:17:33,582 LOOK AT YOU. YOU'RE A BIG BOY, AREN'T YOU? 462 00:17:33,583 --> 00:17:35,524 OH, YOU'RE SUCH A BIG BOY. 463 00:17:35,525 --> 00:17:37,126 - OH, YOU'RE SUCH A BIG BOY. - ( coos ) 464 00:17:37,127 --> 00:17:38,127 BURKE, YOU'RE A NATURAL. 465 00:17:38,128 --> 00:17:39,788 ( kisses ) 466 00:17:39,789 --> 00:17:41,660 YEAH, YOU FOUND THE OFF SWITCH. 467 00:17:41,661 --> 00:17:43,662 HE'S STILL FAT. 468 00:17:43,663 --> 00:17:46,465 YOU NEED TO GET THAT BABY ON A STAIRMASTER. 469 00:17:46,466 --> 00:17:49,698 NO, I DON'T NEED ONE OF THESE TO MAKE MY LIFE COMPLETE. 470 00:17:49,699 --> 00:17:51,340 NO, I DON'T. 471 00:17:51,341 --> 00:17:53,071 NO, I DON'T. NO, I DON'T. 472 00:17:53,072 --> 00:17:54,843 I SURE, SURE DON'T. NO, I DON'T. 473 00:17:54,844 --> 00:17:57,106 HEY, SWEETHEART. READY TO GO? 474 00:17:57,107 --> 00:17:58,447 HEY, AUSTIN. 475 00:17:58,448 --> 00:18:01,150 JOE JUST CAME OVER WITH THE NEIGHBOR'S BABY. 476 00:18:01,151 --> 00:18:02,351 GUESS I'LL GO FEED HIM. 477 00:18:02,352 --> 00:18:03,582 THAT WAY HE WON'T TRY TO NURSE ON YOU. 478 00:18:03,583 --> 00:18:05,515 YEAH, THESE ARE FOR DISPLAY ONLY. 479 00:18:09,159 --> 00:18:10,659 YOU ARE GONNA LOVE THIS B&B, MEL. 480 00:18:10,660 --> 00:18:12,461 I GOT US A ROOM WITH A HOT TUB, 481 00:18:12,462 --> 00:18:14,823 FIREPLACE, AND AN AMAZING VIEW OF YOU. 482 00:18:14,824 --> 00:18:16,725 WELL, THAT SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL, 483 00:18:16,726 --> 00:18:20,329 WONDERFUL, FANTASTIC AND... 484 00:18:20,330 --> 00:18:21,500 I'M NOT GONNA DO IT. 485 00:18:21,501 --> 00:18:23,672 I SWEAR THEY COMPLETELY 486 00:18:23,673 --> 00:18:25,404 DISINFECT THE HOT TUB BETWEEN GUESTS. 487 00:18:25,405 --> 00:18:27,636 NO, NO, IT'S NOT ABOUT THE HOT TUB. 488 00:18:27,637 --> 00:18:29,608 IF I GO AWAY WITH YOU THIS WEEKEND, 489 00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:32,181 I'M JUST GONNA FALL FOR YOU DEEPER AND DEEPER. 490 00:18:32,182 --> 00:18:33,582 SOUNDS GOOD TO ME. 491 00:18:33,583 --> 00:18:35,384 YEAH, BUT BEFORE YOU KNOW IT, 492 00:18:35,385 --> 00:18:36,745 I'D BE TOTALLY IN LOVE WITH YOU. 493 00:18:36,746 --> 00:18:39,188 AND THEN I'D START ACTING CRAZY AND USING APPS LIKE THIS 494 00:18:39,189 --> 00:18:40,650 TO SEE WHAT OUR BABY WOULD LOOK LIKE. 495 00:18:42,692 --> 00:18:45,724 MEL, I HAVEN'T CHANGED MY MIND. 496 00:18:45,725 --> 00:18:47,756 HAVING KIDS IS A DEAL BREAKER FOR ME. 497 00:18:47,757 --> 00:18:49,628 I KNOW. 498 00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,760 AND THAT'S WHY I HAVE TO BE HONEST WITH YOU 499 00:18:51,761 --> 00:18:55,804 AND HONEST TO MYSELF, YOU KNOW? 500 00:18:55,805 --> 00:18:57,336 AT SOME POINT IN MY LIFE, 501 00:18:57,337 --> 00:19:00,240 I'M GONNA WANT MY OWN LITTLE DEAL BREAKER. 502 00:19:02,172 --> 00:19:03,542 I'M SORRY, AUSTIN. 503 00:19:03,543 --> 00:19:04,914 SO AM I. 504 00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:13,822 HEY. 505 00:19:13,823 --> 00:19:15,454 HOW YOU HOLDING UP? 506 00:19:15,455 --> 00:19:18,156 WELL, YOU WERE RIGHT, JOE, 507 00:19:18,157 --> 00:19:20,329 YOU KNOW, ABOUT ME BEING IN DENIAL. 508 00:19:20,330 --> 00:19:22,291 JUST TOOK ME A LONG TIME TO REALIZE IT, 509 00:19:22,292 --> 00:19:25,163 DUE IN LARGE PART TO THE DENIAL THING. 510 00:19:25,164 --> 00:19:28,367 WELL, SOMETIMES WE ALL HAVE BLINDERS ON... 511 00:19:28,368 --> 00:19:30,699 OR BLINDFOLDS... 512 00:19:30,700 --> 00:19:32,341 OR HANDCUFFS. 513 00:19:32,342 --> 00:19:35,544 YOU KNOW, JUST TO SORT OF MIX THINGS UP. 514 00:19:35,545 --> 00:19:37,606 ANYWAY, UM... 515 00:19:37,607 --> 00:19:39,478 I JUST THINK YOU NEED TO FIND SOMEBODY 516 00:19:39,479 --> 00:19:40,649 THAT'S ON THE SAME PAGE AS YOU 517 00:19:40,650 --> 00:19:42,751 OR AT LEAST IN THE SAME BOOK AS YOU. 518 00:19:42,752 --> 00:19:46,515 AND I'M GUESSING CHARDONNAY IS NOT A BIG READER. 519 00:19:46,516 --> 00:19:49,318 SHE'S NOT SO MUCH BOOK SMART 520 00:19:49,319 --> 00:19:52,591 AS SHE IS... MAGAZINE SMART. 521 00:19:52,592 --> 00:19:55,664 AND I THINK SHE DEFINITELY 522 00:19:55,665 --> 00:19:57,326 CANCELED HER SUBSCRIPTION TO ME. 523 00:19:57,327 --> 00:19:59,798 IT'S PROBABLY FOR THE BEST THOUGH. 524 00:19:59,799 --> 00:20:02,471 I ACTUALLY THINK I'M READY TO HANG OUT WITH SOMEONE 525 00:20:02,472 --> 00:20:03,902 A LITTLE MORE MATURE, 526 00:20:03,903 --> 00:20:08,477 SOMEONE I CAN SETTLE DOWN WITH AND START A FAMILY SOME DAY. 527 00:20:08,478 --> 00:20:10,479 REALLY, JOE? YOU WANT KIDS? 528 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,210 ABSOLUTELY. 529 00:20:12,211 --> 00:20:13,942 A COUPLE OR... 530 00:20:13,943 --> 00:20:16,345 EIGHT. 531 00:20:16,346 --> 00:20:17,716 I JUST NEED TO BE PATIENT 532 00:20:17,717 --> 00:20:19,948 AND I'LL FIND THE RIGHT PERSON. 533 00:20:19,949 --> 00:20:21,420 YEAH, YOU'LL FIND HER EVENTUALLY. 534 00:20:21,421 --> 00:20:22,851 I'M NOT GONNA STOP DATING UNTIL I DO. 535 00:20:22,852 --> 00:20:27,426 I WILL LEAVE NO... HOT WOMAN UNTURNED. 536 00:20:27,427 --> 00:20:30,430 SOLDIER ON, LONGO. SOLDIER ON. 537 00:20:37,367 --> 00:20:38,667 HEY. 538 00:20:38,668 --> 00:20:41,270 HEY, NICE MOVE. 539 00:20:41,271 --> 00:20:42,441 WHAT? 540 00:20:42,442 --> 00:20:44,743 BRINGING IN THAT BABY. 541 00:20:44,744 --> 00:20:47,376 UH, THAT WASN'T A MOVE. I WAS BABYSITTING. 542 00:20:47,377 --> 00:20:49,318 RIGHT. YEAH. 543 00:20:49,319 --> 00:20:50,779 THE BUCHWALDS NEEDED YOU TO BABYSIT 544 00:20:50,780 --> 00:20:52,781 AT THE EXACT MOMENT AUNT MEL NEEDED HELP 545 00:20:52,782 --> 00:20:54,383 TO REALIZE WHAT SHE WANTED IN LIFE. 546 00:20:54,384 --> 00:20:55,954 IT'S FUNNY HOW THAT WORKED OUT. 547 00:20:55,955 --> 00:20:58,387 YOU REALLY CARE ABOUT HER, DON'T YOU, JOE? 548 00:20:58,388 --> 00:21:01,461 YEAH, OF COURSE I CARE ABOUT HER. 549 00:21:02,532 --> 00:21:04,633 LIKE I CARE ABOUT ALL YOU GUYS. 550 00:21:04,634 --> 00:21:06,835 THAT'S... THAT'S MY JOB. 551 00:21:06,836 --> 00:21:10,399 YEAH, BUT YOU'RE ONLY PAID TO LOOK AFTER RYDER AND ME. 552 00:21:10,400 --> 00:21:11,970 CARING ABOUT AUNT MEL, THAT SOUNDS LIKE 553 00:21:11,971 --> 00:21:13,672 SOMETHING YOU DO BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. 554 00:21:13,673 --> 00:21:17,976 THERE'S REALLY SO MUCH YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT PEOPLE. 555 00:21:17,977 --> 00:21:21,381 THERE'S REALLY SO MUCH YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.